dear natasha
there are enough shadows in the suburbs to scare you when you run at night. i didn’t even see the guy i was staring at. he was sitting on his roof, smoking, and talking on the phone. but my eyes hadn’t adjusted to the dark yet, so i was looking right at him. i didn’t realize it until he started talking and then took a drag on his cigarette.
it startled me enough that i didn’t have time to remember that your house was coming up. so that was another surprise. i’ve driven past so many times. i see your car there fairly often. i don’t know what i thought was going to happen. so why did i feel so let down when nothing did? i was hoping somehow you’d be outside at the same time and you’d see me and stop me. although that’s completely out of character for you. especially since we haven’t talked in 7 years.
i’ll be honest, i didn’t really expect you to be there. i just thought, well, maybe. but what would i even have said? the last words you said to me were, “i can’t be your friend anymore.” it was worse than someone breaking up a romantic relationship. can’t be my friend anymore? you really didn’t have any reason, either. but there was nothing to argue. it just was what was happening.
i’ve thought about that moment a lot. i’ve thought about whatever is next even more. but it’s starting to wane. i’ve gotten accustomed to a life without you.
